I admit it, I’m in a rut. I have tons of things to do, but I can’t seem to motivate myself to get things done. And the truth is, part of it is that I’ve become accustomed to doing the minimum. Some of it is rampant disorganization. I can’t really blame it all on breast cancer. Well, i’m trying to not point a finger at anything, just move forward.

I’m not unhappy, depressed, or anxious. A little bored perhaps, unmotivated and overwhelmed by what I could be doing. Too many projects, too easy to check facebook, play angry birds or solitaire. After a while, I forget my good intentions.

I am very disorganized. Before i had menopause and chemobrain, I had this. I am dyslexic and I have ADD. My working memory is a little wonky. If i don’t create strong associative pathways for the stuff I want to do in my head, I get distracted and do other stuff. I know everyone does this, but for people like me, it’s extreme. And the cognitive impacts of menopause, estrogen depletion, chemobrain just exacerbate it all. On one hand, i need the stimulation and associations resulting from reminders, lists, planning. But, too much information and stimulation results in anxiety, confusion, inaction.

Mostly I’m writing this to motivate myself. I’m really very happy with myself, my life. I just know i could be doing more, and it makes me a little sad and frustrated when I don’t get things done. It’s also pushing 30 degrees C (high 80’s at least), and i’m hot and lethargic.

But once again, the idea is to take the mountain of tasks and create small tasks with a high likelihood of success. To that end, i make lists. But sometimes i forget where i put the list, forget I made the list, get distracted. It’s not really evidence of cognitive decline – it’s how I’ve always been. There is an element of practice in any efficiency. Another strategy that seems to work is to do as much as i can for 15 or 20 minutes, and then revisit. A Bayesian approach to organization.

The worst thing to do, however, is judgement. Someday I’ll write about why being judgmental is detrimental – in my view, anyway. And yet, it’s very easy to point those fingers and turn them in on myself.

So, writing this helps, it’s some action. I’ve mapped out some simple tasks i can do close to my fan. We’ll see how it goes……